Support – The Frustration and Anger Becomes Too Much

Why me?

Why NOT me???

If I didn’t answer the phone when John or the kids called, everyone worried. Everyone worried anyway.  It was getting to be too much to deal with.

One day it was arguing with the insurance company.  One day it was arguing with Social Security Disability. One day it was arguing with the mortgage company or any other creditor.  It was every day arguing with someone.  Face it, we went from being a two income family to one income family overnight and it wasn’t going to change any time soon.

But, I finally broke!

I got down on my hands and knees and said, “God if you knew it was going to be this hard, then why did you let me live?”  But, unfortunately, bad things happen to good people as our pastor said.  I had to be strong and if I had to blame someone then blame God as he is a forgiving God.  But, I was at the end of my rope.  We are good people.  We love our kids, family and each other for almost 35 years. High School Sweet Hearts.

I called an uncle whom I had not seen in years, my aunt had died of breast cancer years ago, how did he do it, where did he find the strength?  He suggested counseling and told me to call my cousin.  She was working for a group of psychologists and she referred me to the one whom was good for family counseling.

At first I went alone, I knew I needed help and I felt like it was my fault that any of us needed to go.  We talked about my life, where it was going and what I couldn’t change about that.  But, we also talked about what I could change.  Then we had the kids and my husband come.  We decided that I needed to get my affairs in order.  Hadn’t I already done this?  This was to prevent the burden on my family.  Odd, but, true!  Make a bucket list of the things we always wanted to do, as a family, John and I.  Again, we plan as we go thru life, but not later, or at the end.  Now he said start doing them.  Which we have and are still doing!

We then found a support group thru the hospital and another one in a community not far from us.  A brain tumor support group with people just like me, just like John, caregivers.  People who have walked in our shoes and still are.  When they say I know how you must feel, they do!

We have made some very good friends, but we have also lost some.  Seniority in this type of a support group is not something to brag about, if you know what I mean.  But, with their help and support we or I, have realized that we do not walk alone.  It is ok to cry some days and to have my pity party as I call it.

In reality, I don’t have control.  The next MRI does and always will.  Every six months I dread those last couple of weeks till it gets here.  I probably own that machine too.  The only choice I will have is will I want to try treatment or not.  Will it help?  No one knows.  But, what I do know is that without the support of everyone, family, friends, group members, pastors, psychologists, and your significant others, you won’t make it.  That I do know, or at least I wouldn’t have and still won’t.