Choice…My Choice…

Well, as you can see my life seems to be one issue after another…

I was trying to deal with my tumor and paralysis, not being able to work, my family was trying to adjust to the changes, it just seemed like nothing was right and I just wanted it to be normal again…but, what is normal?

Since my allergic reaction to chemo, it was suggested to do radiation. Why? It was just a precautionary measure and I felt that if I did it, I might lose my mobility that I had worked so hard to get back. It wasn’t much, but at least I could walk with a brace, use my arm, and even drive now. I had met with the oncology doctor, but I didn’t feel that he was really as honest as he could have been. So I met with my neurologist again. He gave me the name of another oncologist. I couldn’t help but break down and cry. She agreed that the radiation could do more harm, but what Choice did I have …Choice?…that’s right I had a Choice!
So I decided to talk to my husband; John, daughter; Chanda and son; Joe. What would they think and say? I had already talk to my Uncle John who had lost my Aunt Lil from breast cancer several years ago and he said call your cousin Kari. She worked for a group of psychiatrists and psychologists and could recommend someone that I might want to talk too.
My first meeting was so hard. I put it all out on the line and cried and cried. As a matter of fact, it seemed I did nothing but cry and had for months. He told me I needed to tell them how I felt.  No one wants to lose a spouse, parent, or anyone close for that matter…but some times we have no Choice…Choice…again there was that word Choice? So, I did. Yes, it was hard, one of the hardest things I hope I never have to do again! There was anger, I was being selfish, why, how could I even think of such a thing? So, we all went to see the psychologist. I can’t tell you what a help he was. He put everything into perspective and what this meant to me and all of us. Get our bucket list done and start doing it. When’s the last time you have seen someone like this? Or, have you ever?
Why is it that people think its a bad thing to see a psychologist or psychiatrist? We all have problems, personally, with our marriage, work related, etc. If you don’t think you do, then you definitely need to go, it’s called denial….if everyone went every five or ten years just for a cleansing process we would probably have fewer divorces or suicides.
Ok, I need to get off my soap box and back to my blog…I don’t think we all ever agreed, but I stopped my treatment at that point. Yes, I was scared, but my quality of life was more important than my quantity. I wanted to be my own person, able to live and take care of myself, not a burden on everyone.
I had taken everyone’s feelings into consideration, family, friends, talk to my pastor, gotten psychological counseling…but after all it was my:

Choice…I Made My Choice…Right or Wrong…It Was My Choice!